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This morning - a story

June 26th, 2008 (02:37 pm)

Today on my way to work, after I boarded my transfer (I commute via public transit), almost as soon as I sat down, the person seated to my left, facing forward, turned around and remarked on my t-shirt. I received this t-shirt as present from my ex and it reads "Photoshop Hero" (the back exclaims "You've got Filter Power!"). Anyway they thought it was cool and asked where I got it, so I told him it was a gift by way of Comic Con and thanks.

I went back to minding my own business and they ask the guy next to me if he is cold wearing his shorts. He replies no and I tell them the back of the bus is the warmest because of the engine. They are wearing really short shorts and comment that they asked the driver to turn the air down but he hasn't, so I offered them my seat (which was the warmest). I'd had the presence of mind to bring my sweater with me today and I was feeling very pleased about that and less disgruntled about having to sit at the back of the bus (where I notice shady characters tend to sit).

So we'd barely struck up a conversation (they were chatty) when a woman (not a lady) boards the bus. She's got blonde teased hair out of a bottle, heavy makeup, a flamboyant shirt and what appear to be spandex black capris with black heels. She stands impatiently in front of a small dark man who's leg is taking up the seat next to him and starts cussing him out for not moving right away, yelling at him that she's a lady and she should have some fucking manners, calling him a motherfucker and a wetback. He moves and she sits down, then continues to tear him a new one and even threatens to cut him. She actually pulls out a knife.

Needless to say, we were shocked into silence. I wanted to say that a lady doesn't behave like a coarse, unmannered tart, but I didn't want her to cut me either, so I looked out the window. She kept going on and finally, I was like "you have your seat, relax already". She didn't cut me, thankfully.

My new acquaintance indicated that we should perhaps talk to the driver (I hadn't seen the knife and had just thought it was a case of a really rude and crass passenger). I was like, hey as long as it's cool... I was trying to avoid trouble so early in the morning. My friend mentions a bit sheepishly "I like to get myself in trouble" and tells me a story about a bum whom they'd given a dollar to, who turned around and threatened with a knife for more money.

We chit-chat some more (we find out from the dangerous tart before she gets off the bus that she's also racist towards immigrated Hispanics). Then, my new acquaintance, who is a pretty cute guy for a blond, turns around and kisses me, lays a big wet one right on my cheek (which I'm sure would have been a big wet one right on my lips if I'd thought to look around in time). I am so surprised all I can do is laugh in a silly, thoughtless way. He says goodbye and gets off the bus before I can thank him for making my day.

How many of you have had that much to say about your day before 9am?

is it a date or just coffee? browse, don't buy

May 16th, 2008 (10:47 pm)

It's funny but mostly a collection of dating anecdotes (as most of these books are) with some sparse advice. Save your money. Maybe I should just buy a psych book and figure out for myself how I can come across to potential girlfriends.

Vacation end

May 16th, 2008 (01:52 pm)

Wednesday we were going to go to a "goth club" night in Bowling Green, just down the block, as it turned out, from the place that had the great drag show on Tuesdays according to Rachel. I got a late start that day, but I wanted to buy some clothes to wear to the club since I'd brought absolutely no club wear with me and certainly nothing black. D gave me a ride to the mall and even stuck around looking for a shirt he could wear to the club. It was really nice hanging out with him and I couldn't help noticing with all the people around that he'd been right when he joked that where he come from everyone looked like him. I could see his nose and chin and eyes in the people around me. It was more delightful than strange, for me.

I found my outfit at Torrid and Wet Seal, a combination of a flowy, off-the-shoulder, black top and short skirt and back-seamed fishnets with low, ankle-height boots that had loose pleather wrapping ties, a la the 80s. I thought it looked cute and sexy and just a little scandalous and hoped I might meet some interesting guys and girls at the club.

and then the debacleCollapse )

Vacation update

May 6th, 2008 (02:38 pm)

It was a little crazy and hectic getting into Detroit but things smoothed out fast when M picked me up and it was so good to see her again.
Everything was fine for the next couple days and I was thinking "Wow I can really do this and it will be okay and un-weird." I was actually a little worried about D coming home late on my second day there because I wasn't sure how awkward it would be. But he talked to me for a few hours that evening and it was groovy so I was feeling groovy about it.

D & I went to see Lake Erie that evening and it was pretty damn dirty. Later he showed me how to throw darts. It was fun, I liked learning something new from him.

The next day or so, it rained (my geomancy reading did warn about the weather) and I helped them with lawn work, which was nice. D prepared a space for M's vegetable garden and we filled it in with dirt. Then I raked up litter from the edges of their land so D could mow the lawn (there's a lot to mow).

how it went wobbly-shapedCollapse )

Is it a date or just coffee?

April 30th, 2008 (10:43 am)

Some of you have heard me bitch about how hard it is to meet and date girls and how the basis of our interaction (are we just friends or are we going to get it on?) has always been nebulous for me.

Just found this book on Amazon:

Since the reviews were not helpful (they gush about the humor of the book and are entirely too pro-the-author for me to feel they are balanced reviews), I will buy it and review it myself. Then, if it turns out to be a good read and if you decide to, you can pick it up knowing it won't just be comedic lit but will actually provide some good information.

So far the book seems really funny while remaining down-to-earth but I've only read an excerpt. At least one thing she says I've found true---mention the word date when you're asking someone out so they know your intentions. Also, relax and just ask "Is this a date?"

Lack of intimate relationships

April 30th, 2008 (08:24 am)

In response to the journal entry below:

I know exactly how you feel, minus the deadbeat-dad and the kids. Most of my close friends from high school have been happily married for years. I'm starting to get to a point in my life where I very much want stability, people to rely on who rely on me, people I cherish; but mostly I spend a lot of time alone, even though I live in a house full of people. The only thing I can think to do to cope with the loneliness is to fully involve myself in an activity I feel passionate about---so I study stop-animation films and I paint and I knit items for my dear ones. But of course, this only works so long as I continue doing it and if there's a moment away from that, I feel this crushing loneliness again---so I devote more time to it and eventually that's how I spend all my time and there's no time for trying to make new connections. There's not even any strong desire to meet new people, but I haven't stopped feeling lonely one bit. I know my social skills are atrophying but I can't bring myself to care much except I'm still very lonely.

1. I am female, have two children, and live with their father and our cowife. She has a child with him too. He and I have been together for approx. thirteen years.
2. Cowife and I get along acceptably, even though we are very, very different people. He and I do not. It's been a few years now. Basically, when we started to have children, what I expected from him changed. A lot. He didn't change. For six years, I told him I needed him to be involved with me and the kids; I told him this many times. He was unable to change. I gave up a year ago. We still live together, for the sake of the kids. He spends 99% of his time at home in his office, playing games on the computer, only occasionally able to admit that he might be addicted to the computer. He was shocked when I gave up, and still professes to want a long term relationship. When he's in his office, I'm taking care of the kids, upstairs (cowife and her son live downstairs). Sometimes he stops up to say hi, but doesn't stay up there for more than five minutes max. He honestly feels like he is a good father. To give him credit, he does take the boys to Cub Scouts and chess, which accounts for 6 evenings a month.
3. For over two years now, I've been dating another guy. He was wonderful, for quite a while. That relationship is ending now, slowly.

I am frustrated. I need to vent. I'm not seeking advice on how to repair my relationship with the father of my kids; I just feel frustrated. I see people who have been together, happily, for 10-15-20+ years and wonder how it's possible. Is it possible? I spent my youth moving from job to job, lover to lover, and that's okay; I don't regret any of that, but now I want stability. And security -- emotional security. I feel lonely a lot lately.

Here's my question -- how do I deal with loneliness? Even though I live in a house bursting with people, I feel lonely, especially alone when I'm alone upstairs with my kids, when I have no one to lean on, no adult to just hang out with, no one to cuddle with. Cowife and I get along, but our relationship is about being together for his sake, not about emotional intimacy between the two of us. Most of our acquaintances don't know about our difficulties. Is there any way I can feel at peace with this lack of intimate relationships?

Knitting Stuff

April 17th, 2008 (03:43 pm)

This will be boring to most of you so...

Read about boring knitting/crocheting stuffCollapse )

(no subject)

April 8th, 2008 (01:42 pm)

Every once in a LONG while I do one of these...somewhere on the nets. Today it is on livejournal.

So there's a lot going on with me internally of late--I've mentioned some of these things in disparate places or to various people recently but here it is all in one place.

This is kind of boring, heavy (and LONG) so--really--if you don't want to know, don't click.

This is why I need therapy.Collapse )

(no subject)

March 14th, 2008 (02:50 pm)

Today I became aware of the very lip of a chasm of loneliness. Was I ignoring it before or am I just consciously recognizing it now?

Drew would probably say it's because I push people away. This might be true but not for the reasons I think he thinks.

Wow my desk is a mess.


March 12th, 2008 (04:49 pm)

I suspect I have been suppressing some very intense emotions of late. At least this is what my speculation has led me to believe. Subconscious suppression. -nods- This is probably the source of my random bouts of anxiety or panic, the cause of my weird dreams of late and also the reason I sometimes feel strangely excited without having a definable reason for it.

I think there is definitely some crazy emotional shit going on in my head which I don't seem to feel too pressed to examine closely. This is singular for me as in the past I've demonstrated an overwhelming urge to analyze every nuance of my thoughts and emotions, even extending to others.

I don't know how I feel about this, if it's bad or neutral or maybe even good, or whether I care about it or just find it curious. And that's weird too. I always know how I feel about something.

But no matter how hard I try to pick this apart, when I can move myself to, I can't pinpoint reasons or whys or wherefores in regards to this. I just know my body or hormones or brain chemistry, whatever, is fitfully reacting to something. What a weird, fuzzy, vague sensation. Maybe weird dreams are resulting too, or maybe not.

Maybe weird dreams are a constant variable and aren't an effect of this stuff lately. Ugh, it's like trying to shake my head of something woolly and thick.

My fortune cookie says: You can be trusted to keep a secret.
My lucky numbers are: 8, 14, 26, 27, 46, 14

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